Starting Lithium

October 29, 2009

The initial symptoms of Lithium are comparable to those of Depakote — with the big caveat that YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY.

I’m feeling shaky and jittery and electrified as though I’m manic, but I’m pretty sure that it’s the Lithium.  The brain fog of my depression the last week seems intensified.  I’m also sleepy all the time, but that may be in large part to the Seroquel I’m taking to calm down the jitters.  My focus at work is shot to hell.  Hopefully next week will be better!

All this is affecting my work performance — I need to tell my new boss about my illness soon before she questions my dedication or judgment.  More to come on “coming out” about bipolar in the workplace.

Why am I unmedicated?

At first, it was because I was switching from Depakote to Lithium.

Then, in the mild mania presumably triggered by going off the mood stabilizer, I started a blog and began to question my diagnosis and my treatment.  I thought that treating my anxiety might be the way to go, since it’s the only diagnosis I felt confident in.

Then the mania turned into a few terrible days of mixed state — an activated, jittery, but negative place.  I was very irritable, and flew into several rages at my partner, after which I felt consumed by self-loathing and the desire to hurt myself.  I took some Seroquel during these days, because it was just too unbearable, and I was worried I would do serious damage to myself or my partner.

My horrible mixed state helped me accept that I have an illness — my partner pointed out, as he often does, that I would never choose to feel or behave like *that*.  It’s hard to distinguish the illness from myself — this mostly genetic, maybe environmental, uncurable, somewhat treatable disorder sometimes seems like all of me and other times seems so alien.

Having accepted that I need medicine to treat my illness, I called my psychiatrist.  I proposed staying off meds for another few weeks and documenting my moods, to give both him and me a better sense of my symptoms. He seemed to like the idea, and we made an appointment for November 13th.

Since then, I’ve been in a mild depression.  Showering is hard.  Going to work seems impossible, but I am still able to do it.  Everything seems hopeless and worrisome.  I’m tired all the time, but I can’t sleep well.

I think I might have rapid cycling, but regardless of my diagnosis, I just want some treatment. I’m going to call my pychiatrist on Monday and ask what I should take.